07 July, 2005
i'm here to blog. ok you've just missed the ultra high and hyper me. beware, for the following entry may endeavour to bring about negative feelings surging through your veins, thick as blood, and twice as lethal as the dose they give you in the death chamber.
disclaimer:
what you'll find below is a series of highly evoking passage. evoking what? anger, perhaps, sadness, regret/disbelief? i don't know. this is just a side of me. and i would like to share it with you. this is what i think whenever i get down, whenever i'm not that cheery self you see in class. when i'm that tempest, having mood swings with the frequency of the metronome. boom, boom, boom. this is a highly disatisfied me, this is a very controversial me, this is my dissatisfaction, this is me. i'm sorry if i offend anyone, this is just ME. and i'm so sorry this is a public domain.
i thought we were united. unified, one for all and all for one, you name it, i thought we were it. but tomorrow's spectacle will prove me wrong, sans doute. i thought everyone would show up, but what's this i hear of people who cannot make it or who don't want to go. it feels useless. because this is just a hint of what is to befall us. next year, when we move on to hwa chong, i wonder will 404 still be the same. would you say hi to me when you walk past me? would you say hi to anyone else? would you pretend you never knew she existed? i really have no idea. it was supposed to be a class thing. like i can't believe i gave up my team for this. perhaps the carnival tomorrow will change my thinking, perhaps, perhaps not.
bit by bit, i see our class falling apart. and it's scaring me. what happened to the "best"? i hate to see it going all down the drain, drifting further and further away from sight with the stink of failure. what happened to model class? what happened to the four of old? that's what i'm trying to find back. that is what i want back. that is what i remember. i'm grasping at straws here...
i mean, i do see improvements in the class: like people doing duty, for starters. thank you, duty girls, for having this commitment to the class.
however, along with it, i begin to see the etchings of cliques in our class. some may scoff "wOw. it already happened so long ago". but lately, it's becoming more and more pronounced. i mean. you may very say that i belong in XX's clique, but i can assure you, i don't really belong. from my detached point of view, this sucks. you could see it happening during the class bbq, you can see it happen everyday. i realize that recently i've become more antisocial. i can go a few days without speaking to a member of 404. think. have you spoken to everyone personally today? i have not. that i do admit. and i'm sure that it's not only me. when will we make the effort to go and appreciate each and every contributing member of the class? when will we learn to treasure these beloved times, before they're gone? can you give me an answer?
i think my social skills suck. or am i just having plain mood swings? suddenly i cannot stand the temperament of some in the class. and i know that you guys probably can't stand mine either. i know i am very insensitive, i do shoot off my mouth regularly, and i always don't know what to do about it after that. say it to my face: i DO suck. i do realize it. sigh. i don't know why i can't be more accomodating, even my teammates have broken this to me, why have i become like this? i've tried hard to change, but i just can't attain that stage. this is one angsty entry. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I TURNED OUT LIKE THIS. you have no clue about the inner turmoil inside me now. i am not biased, regardless of what you say. though i may not include it in my entry, i do agonize over the points that do matter. and for that, i feel ridiculously stuck in myself. i have no room to manuever, i have no idea what to do now. i just feel so angry at myself. why?!
there is even internal conflict in the class. i know that i can't expect you to like everyone in the class, that's just the youthful, idealistic me. BUT DO YOU HAVE TO GO AROUND TALKING BEHIND THEIR BACKS? this i really wonder. i've learnt from past mistakes and experiences that you cannot judge a person, until his or her death bed. every one has some ounces of good in them. we are human, after all. we are not that bad. you shouldn't pass judgement on people, not because it's not fair to them, but it's not fair to you. trust me. you do not know what you are missing out. i mean, i have to personally thank a lot of people, dawn, ying hui, si ting, yu min, ai wen, these are the people i know who've rallied around me, supported me through times of duress, and held me safe, like a buoy. thank you. i'm sorry if you've been quietly doing that and i missed you out, but thank you. i know i'm far from perfect, and i am just glad that these people can truly like me for who i am. is it true? you really don't know how valuable that friend is, until you start facing obstacles. really. there have been many who've run away, and i don't blame them for it. i mean, i can understand, from an outsider's point of view. i'm just well, sad. but i can't do anything. i don't regret making mistakes, at least i've learnt from it. i don't believe that no one makes mistakes. i mean: one of my favourite quotes is "to err is human, to forgive is divine". how true is that? i guess i'm just sharing some of my values and thoughts. perhaps it's a different perspective of that you hold, i welcome any criticisms or comments. i mean. i wrote it, therefore i deserve it. right? i don't mean any malice, or menace, in anything that i say. i'm just numbed, i guess. but i'll always appreciate these true friends i've gleaned from this memorable period of my life - my adolescence.
but i mean, i do have to acknowledge the good things right? sorry, if you want to blame must blame ms choo. haha. she taught me how to craft a balanced 'argument' properly with desired effects, after all. i say argument, because there definitely are many opposing viewpoints in stark contrast to mine. and you're welcome to blog all about it. but i'm digressing. thank you class, for giving me innumerable memories to savour and behold, i'll always cherish them, as an integral part of my secondary school life. they are one of the most unforgettable moments, and memories i'll ever have. i mean. i do appreciate each and every one of you, even if i do hold these ugly feelings in my mind. please don't regard what i say as trite, because this is a highly personal and straight from the recesses of my heart. i mean. you can't get anymore deep down and personal than this, right? all in all, i'll just like to chorus a "i love you all, for now, for future, fourever".
but yet...
i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes. think disaster.
like the killer waves that massacred people by the thousands last year, i can feel it's approach. deep in my heart. i dread it. and i really am at my wit's end. i am sick and tired. i feel so bad, to the extent that i could go to school and not speak to anyone for the whole day. i don't know what's happening to me. for those who have been living in a fantasy, or a fairytale all these while, it's time to wake up. you've been sleeping blissfully for long enough. i don't think i'm making a mountain out of a molehill. do you?
i don't know what's happening.
to me.
to the people around me.
to the class.
if it's just me, please ignore this entry. thank you, and have a good night. God bless 404.
with love,
wai yee
four left a trail- 10:02 PM
