26 August, 2005
term 3 week 9 has been an unforgettably stressful and load-ful week.
as i was on the way to school today, i was desperately trying to think of meaningful stuff that was going on in my life, hoping that i could relieve my stress this way. but after thinking through quite deeply, i still felt that the weeks this term just flew past like some ultrasonic plane. when i look at my calender dating from july till now, i don't know why i just feel like there's a huge responsibility on me to make things in my life work and all intertwin together, yet i cannot see my life weaving out anything meaningful at all. it's not what you do that defines you, it's your identity that calls for your action. that's what the all-round excellence awardee said today. i'm trying to believe that, because otherwise i'll just lose my sanity.
i feel like such a failure this term, maybe partially because of my marks, but that's definitely not the whole reason. i feel like i'm off beat to the rhythm that the teachers have set, i feel like i'm rocking on a boat drifting further and further up current away from the rest. i feel disoriented. yet when i think about the depressing films that ms chua has let us watched, i tried to make sense of it all, i tried to link my life with them, i tried to assure myself that life's good after all. i mean, what could some stress compare with stepping on landmines, being betrayed by a jilted lover, being married off to a man 5 times your age(that's being modest!), having to wear a burqa even at home, not being allowed out unless accompanied by a male etc etc. that is not even life. that is a meaningless existence.
yet, though my life is not threatened by all these factors, i am indeed in a prison of my own. every environment is different, and though this one may not be as bad as the others, it is nevertheless something that i can't escape from. i don't know. i'm not even stressed. i'm in a state of tacit numbness. i'm resigned. and that's something i didn't want to let happen.
i know everyone has the same workload, and sometimes i wonder why i can't handle mine? it's not like i'm the busiest person in class with my lack of trainings and tuition, but how come i can't seem to put my affairs in order? i don't know why. please shed some light on this matter for me... i just feel like i can't keep up.
wai yee
four left a trail- 9:21 PM
